Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*