*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg