One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…