Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
the three branches of government
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest