I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
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I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did