That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
You Might Also Like
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Happy birthday to all the women
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.