Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
i can’t wait that long
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.