Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
An odd boast
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake