My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.