My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Stop.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.