My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My dad.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.