This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.