I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm