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Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Miscakes
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together