It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
lost dog
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself