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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A bold strategy
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
sry
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.