[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
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Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover