ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.