I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.