I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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Rambo Rambow
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.