I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
🤭😂
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.