The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters