It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
reduce, reuse, recycle
The Birdles
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?