Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Hello Twits.
Weirdly Wednesday.