4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Möther may I have a snäck
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.