Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*