Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Noah was an idiot.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I need to get some bricks…
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No