I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
🤣😂
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
oh you like road-trips? name every road then