2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I think I’m having a stroke
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
forgive me baja for i have blast
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.