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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.