Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
this is funnier than any friends episode
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*