You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.