Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You Might Also Like
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things