My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.