What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Pass gas, not judgment.