doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
time for some seasonal decor
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.