Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The honesty is refreshing
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.