[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.