My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
mom had nothing to worry about
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“