hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?