no!! no!!!!!!
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when