Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit