85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
What is going on? 😅
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait