Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You Might Also Like
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
This could’ve been an email.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.