[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.