Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
couldn’t resist
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point