Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The best shot in the history of golf
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no