Mountain Goat : )
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Traveler’s camo