Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke