Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt